Coming out of my Cocoon

I want to fall in love with myself.  I don’t mean that in an egotistical, big headed, way too much self-confidence way.  I just want to be a bit kinder to myself.  Give myself a break and become my own best friend. I want to get lost and piece myself back together all over again.  I want to visit and discover cultures that I have never encountered before. Come to understand new things that I am not exposed to here.  Learn new things about myself that you only learn from starting fresh and being stripped of all familiar surroundings.  I want to feel the rush of the unknown, meet new people, see new colours, experience new smells and taste the sweet salts of the earth.  I love my country.  New Zealand is a beautiful place. New Zealand is and always will be home but there’s a new fire within me that has been lit and I have changed and have become restless. These itchy feet won’t stay planted for much longer.

I’ve always been one to express myself through words.  I love language and expression and so the idea of travelling the world jotting down my thoughts dazzles and dizzies me and I cannot wait.   I have things I want to share but I know I can’t share them until I actually experience them. I don’t want to watch the women in the movies do it anymore, or live through my friends or fellow bloggers (I plan on improving at this whole blogging business by the way).  I want a journey of my own.  I have a burning desire to write and to continue my passion of helping others find direction by actually following some of my own advice for once.  I’m so good at telling other people how to follow steps and live out their dreams yet I have always sat back and watched.  I’ve been running a business for over three years (that shocks me to say) giving people spiritual advice with some successful results which makes me really happy.  It’s time to follow my intuition and do it for me.  I just want to go….  I want to sit on the banks of the river Nile again and look out at the sunset; a view so big it was as if I was on another planet.  I want to immerse myself in cultures full of vibrancy and smiles that in a western culture would seem so displaced.  I want to finally let my heart rule and not my head and that’s not in some soppy romantic rom com kind of way where some dude shows up on a white horse.  It’s more of a do what I want to do for me kind of way and not for anyone else.  Not for my parents, not for societies expectations, not for the could of, would’ve, should’ve or the devil voice on my shoulder.  Just me and my inner child that’s been waiting all these years.

We value such superficial things.  Possessions, Property, Metallic Coins, Plastic Cards, Status symbols. I’m not discouraging those who want other things than what I want but all I know is that I am no longer satisfied.  I’ve always had a restless heart.  I inherited it from my mother.  A gypsy soul.  I’m not delusional. I know these journeys aren’t always a walk in the park and I’ll face some real emotions too but that’s all part of it.    I want to collect memories, hearts, smiles and experiences.  I want to laugh again, truly laugh.  These butterflies in my chest are trying to lift me off the ground and they are saying go.   I want to wake up in a new place every other day.  I want to get to know new people and say goodbye only to find more.  For this is the reality of life.  It’s our holding on that destroys us.  Nothing is ever lost. Memories are never stolen from you.  People come and people go.  What is a constant and what always remains is you.  And you…you should always be enough.

That’s what I know now.  I am enough and I am almost ready to set sail.  I learnt something this past year and a half. Something that took me 23 years to learn.  It’s something that may seem so simple to some but it is way more than that to me.  Sitting in a room alone.  Being comfortable with my own company and knowing that loneliness is a false reality.  Being alone doesn’t make you sadly lonely the false pretence that being alone is something to be sad about is what makes you lonely.  So it’s time to make a plan, but not a rigid one, for I’m a chameleon soul and I change my mind often and I like to allow for a little spontaneity Perhaps that is the beauty of it.  I was destined to change my mind every day.  I take experiences and I grow from them and they change my perception of things.  I also take the time to consider other peoples points of view and musings.  I have 100 different personalities and egos and it can be a lot to keep up with, believe me.  I’m quite the mad hatter but I’m not going to apologise for that anymore or try and make myself more sane for the sake of pleasing people.  I love that I’m crazy wild and that I go up and down like a yo yo.  Or a child full of sugar on an indoor trampoline.

So what’s the point of all this?  This will be a documentation of my journey and what is going to happen I don’t know.  What I can be sure of is that this gravitational pull is getting stronger by the day and that it is time for me to finally acknowledge what I have known all along.

Relationships and the joy of being ok with you

I know that we might sometimes all struggle when it comes to our relationships.  Our intimate relationships especially are the ones that we can struggle the most with. Many people may find themselves at least once in a lifetime in the predicament of saying “ I want you to stay” to the wrong person.  But what is it that makes us grab on to these so called ‘special’ somebodies.  Perhaps sometimes it can be our insecurities that make us cling on.  Our fear that we may not come across as sexy to someone else.  I would say the most important piece of advice I have received in my young life when it comes to our relationships is that it is important to love yourself before you can expect another to love you in return.   I might drink a little more of my own medicine sometimes if it wasn’t for my little inner demon telling me that I need to search outward for the love of others before I can justify myself to myself, if that makes sense.  In this process I go about killing any chance I originally had to be kind to myself and top my own battery tank up as I call it. If only we were a little more willing to try it another way. Can you picture your life in a way where you wake up in the morning and tell yourself you are beautiful and that is just as gratifying as someone else saying it?  My main fear for women and men respectively when it comes to their relationships is that I don’t want to ever see a person continue to be in a relationship simply because they rely on that person to top them up all the time. It definitely causes a strain on the other person.  Keep reminding yourself every day that you can be beautiful in your own right without needing someone else to affirm it to you. Don’t get me wrong its lovely to hear compliments from time to time but it blurs the line when it becomes a constant search for them.  Now I want you to close your eyes and imagine you are sitting in a car looking at the rear view mirror and in the reflection is you how you would like to see yourself.  How do you look? Who are you with? Where are you?  My image is me dressed in skinny jeans and a big parka coat and bug eye glasses, sort of like posh spice.  Next to me is my hunky husband and we hold the hands of our two children as we cross the road.  To me that is the image of happiness. There will be different answers for each of you.  I’m dreaming here of the future I envision at 30 but this is the perfect way to do it if you want to make sure that you don’t let go of your goals.  None of us really want to be alone. In fact, it is unhealthy for us to be completely solitary for long periods of time. All of us need companionship however unhealthy companionship cannot be justified simply because it is companionship and therefore must be better than being alone.  This is, of course, false logic.  So how do we find a healthy medium between companionship and being ok in ourselves?  I guess some of us have to make the same mistake over and over again until we come to learn what that is. I guess that’s the learning path in life for some of us.  I really feel sorry for those poor souls that cling on to relationships they are unhappy in though simply for fear of being alone.  I think we all come to a point in our lives though where being alone becomes ok and becomes bearable. On a completely different level some of us come to really enjoy our alone time and witness a sense of enjoyment and happiness within ourselves when it comes to these moments on our own.  Which brings me to this, is it only in the night that loneliness becomes hard?  What is it about night time and sharing that time before sleep with someone else? Discussing the days’ newspaper and events, having a cuddle or sharing an intimate moment.  I envy those people who have found their special person.  However at the end of the day the time we spend with our special people we must cherish as everyones life eventually comes to an end and one must go before the other.  This is why so many people end up tapping into spirituality.  They are trying to get in touch with a loved one they have lost, or they are trying to understand why the love has gone from their relationships.  Others ask wether they should enter into new relationships.  I guess the organ most of us want to protect the most is ours hearts.  But I firmly believe our hearts are not designed to be trapped up inside a cage.  Our hearts need to be left vulnerable in order to function properly and flourish. We have to always run the risk of getting hurt.  Anyway I guess that’s a long enough spiel from me. Just food for thought

Love and Light

Isis